To Madilynn

I had a crazy week last week working overtime almost every day so didn't get to post. I want to share something I wrote before my first Mother's Day without Madilynn. It was a huge comfort to me to write it.

To Madilynn...
I remember the excitement I felt when I found out you were on the way. The pure joy and happiness of just knowing you were with me brought.

I remember driving home, putting my hand on my tummy and telling you I loved you and to hold on tight, I would keep you safe.

I remember when I told your daddy you were on the way and how the joy on his face mirrored my own.

I remember the excitement when I told your Nana about you, how she handed me the phone and insisted I call everyone we knew to share the good news.

I remember your great-grandfather's surprise and his excited "Oh Boy" when I called him.

I remember the first time we heard your steady, strong heartbeat. We could have listened forever.

I remember watching you on the ultrasound. Moving, kicking, and sucking your thumb. Your daddy and I were so very proud of you.

I remember how happy we were to find out you were a beautiful, healthy baby girl. We were so happy we went straight from the doctor to the store to buy you a pretty dress.

I remember having a dream about your name, it was perfect and your daddy liked it too, Madilynn Isabell.

I remember the first time I felt you kick, it was such a wonderful, comforting feeling knowing you were with me and thriving.

I remember the first time your daddy felt you kick, at your great-grandpa's house. In the house where your namesake great-grandma lived.

I remember laughing as we tried, multiple times, to put your crib together and how good it felt when we finally got it right.

I remember decorating your room, washing your clothes, making sure everything was perfect for your arrival.

I remember the fun of the baby shower, everyone getting so excited because we were getting so close to meeting you.

I remember everyone starting to make guesses about when you would come into the world.

I remember laughing when you got the hiccups and made my tummy jump.

I remember your daddy and I talking about all of the fun things we would do with you and how anxious we were to meet you.

I remember going to the doctor 3 days before you were born..........and the last time I heard your heartbeat, strong and healthy. We knew you were close.

I remember finishing your nursery the next day and packing a hospital bag for you and for me, I knew you were almost here.

I remember that evening, your stillness, the incredible fear I felt, praying that you were ok. It was 5 years today your great-grandma went to heaven.

I remember the ride to the hospital, trying to convince ourselves that nothing was wrong...

I remember the silence when they searched for your heartbeat, the stillness of the ultrasound, and when the ultrasound tech shook her head and said she was calling it.

I remember the whirlwind of the next 12 hours, the paperwork, the needles, the tears, the pain.

I remember hearing another baby's heart beating on a monitor in the room next to me and thinking how unfair life can be.

I remember the silence when you were born.

I remember how beautiful you were and seeing how much you looked like both your daddy and me. Our real life angel.

I remember holding you close, never wanting to let go, but knowing that I had to.

I remember watching your daddy hug you close, kiss your hand, and the tears in his eyes.

I remember not being able to take my eyes off of you, I had to look at you every second I possibly could while I could.

I remember your tiny white coffin, how I longed to just be able to hold you one more time.

I remember saying goodbye, but knowing this goodbye is only temporary. I know you are sitting on God's lap until I make it Home to you.

I remember that even though you are not in my arms, I am your mother and you are with me always.