4 years already?!

Today marks Madilynn's 4th heavenly birthday. I have felt the anticipation and sadness I have felt every year at this time. We did not do a big thing this year like we did last year and at first I was perfectly fine and at peace with that but today, I feel guilty for not being able to do more for her. I stayed home from work today, and that will be something I always do. This is my day to reflect on my short time with Madilynn. Last weekend Jeremiah and I went and cleaned up her grave and left her some Christmas/Birthday decorations. It looked just perfect. I don't think I will ever feel like I do enough to honor her memory. I have such a great support system of friends and family that help me get through these times, though sadly sometimes, the people that you think would be there for you, are not. For example, my mom sent me a text today that basically said it is sad what happened but that I need to move on. How does one move on from losing a child? We don't. I know she just doesn't understand having never been through this before, and it's hard finding the right words to say, but having Madilynn's grandmother, my mother, say I need to move on, hurts. She wouldn't even go with us when we went to the cemetery after we visited my grandpa for Thanksgiving just 30 minutes away from the cemetery. I tried to get her to join us, she just wouldn't, though she did send a decoration for us to put at her grave. I love my mother and I know she is just focused on looking out for me and doesn't like to see me hurting. I will never "move on" from this though. This is my new normal in life. To always pine for, love, miss and wonder about my sweet little daughter in heaven. I think next year for her 5th birthday we will invite friends and family to join us at the cemetery to celebrate her short life. While there are many painful memories and I always have flashbacks on her birthday of going through labor and her silent birth, I can look back at memories of my pregnancy with her and smile or even laugh. While we never saw her alive, she already had such a personality and brought such joy to us. My job at the time I was pregnant involved pretty much non-stop typing. She was always very active and kicking whenever I was typing, I'm guessing she could hear the sound of the keyboard. She was constantly kicking my keyboard at work, and my laptop at home, right out from under my hands. I remember once having to launch from my chair and grab the laptop from falling to the floor because she kicked at it so hard. We had a cat named Rufus who liked to lay on my tummy and purr. Whenever he did that she would kick and scare him. He would jump and run off like he was terrified, then come back and try again. I remember holding my little goddaughter, who was only about 1 year old at the time, and how she would put her hand on my tummy like she knew there was a baby there. I will never forget these things as long as I live. Happy 4th Birthday my Madilynn! I love you and miss you so! We will be re-united some day.

An answer, though not an easy one...

I went back to my obgyn last week, along with going to a new primary physician the week before. I have been working my butt off to lose weight and nothing is happening. One week I might lose 2-3 lbs, the next I'll have gained them back. It is getting extremely frustrating and I was starting to get discouraged. The primary doctor thought it could be my thyroid and ran a bunch of tests, all which came back completely normal although I do have kind of high blood pressure. A week later when I went to my obgyn my bp was some better. She said I likely have PCOS, which is probably why I gained so much weight and why it's SO hard to take off. Not to mention it would explain why I can't get pregnant again. The only real "cure" for it is losing weight. She suggested weight loss surgery and wants me to at least go to a consultation for it. That is a huge decision to try and make... I have been so determined to do this on my own without surgery and that was like a punch to the stomach. On top of that, I'm sure it's ridiculously expensive and I doubt my insurance would cover a dime of it. I go back to the primary doctor on the 22nd, I'm going to discuss this with her as well and see if maybe we can try a prescription of some sort first or maybe I will try Alli again. I used it years ago and it worked all right as long as you watch what you eat, which I am doing anyways in addition to going to the gym 2-3 times a week. My goal over the next month is to increase gym time to 5 days a week. So, at least now I have some sort of answer, but it's certainly not going to be an easy fix and I still have a long, difficult road ahead of me. I feel like I'm running out of time since I just turned 31. I always thought I'd have all the kids I would have by this age, I pray now that isn't how it turns out. As easy at is would be to just say screw it and give up, I WILL NOT give up!!! I have to keep trying to reach my goals and find my happiness! I feel like a part of my heart is missing and it's with Madilynn and the babies I long to hold in my arms someday. I will never get the part back that Madilynn has, but having a baby or babies in my arms would certainly go a long ways towards healing and happiness. I see laughing children playing, with innocent joy on their faces, and it makes me realize just how much I am missing out on and it seems so unfair. People around me are pregnant and having babies and no matter how hard I try to stifle it, I can't get over the jealousy. I get angry at God and struggle because I don't understand why He took my innocent baby girl away from me and why after nearly 4 years my arms are STILL empty and my heart is still broken. I know He has his reasons and I have not lost faith in him. I will keep fighting this battle for as long as it takes.

How Bad Do I Want It?

As much as I desire to get pregnant again right now, I have finally come to the complete and total realization that before that is going to happen, I have to lose weight and get healthier. Not just for the sake of my own health but for any future babies I may have. Don't get me wrong, I have known this in the back of my head for awhile and I have been trying though not nearly as hard as I should, but I now realize just how important it is. So, I am changing my diet even more drastically than what I have up to now and am going to see about upgrading my gym membership so I can attend Zumba classes 2-3 times a week. I am ready for this extra weight to be gone. I want the skinny girl to emerge out of the fat girl that I am now. I want to be active and enjoy my life while I'm still young enough to do so. I want to have babies, I wouldn't mind several. I want to ride a roller coaster again. I want to not be embarassed of how I look in a swimsuit when we go to the lake during the summer. I want to ride horses again. I want to not get out of breath climing steps. I want a better life!!! I realize that it's not going to happen over night and it won't be easy. Not by a long shot. I have to MAKE it happen. I spoke with one of my aunts today who is also on a weight loss journey and she said something that kind of made a light bulb go off in my head. Maybe I haven't gotten pregnant again since Madilynn because God is testing me with losing weight to show how badly I want it. To prove that I want a baby so badly I would change my life for the better. I want that to happen, need it to happen, and I am determined now more than ever. To that aunt if you are reading this, you know who you are and I love you and thank you so much for calling me today! I just got home from going to the grocery store and did something I've always been told is the best way to shop but I never really did it. I only stuck to the outside perimeter of the store, the fruits, vegetables, dairy, fresh meat, etc. I am even trying some new things like Greek yougurt and almond milk. I will be praying hard during this chapter of my life that I keep this fire, this motivation to succeed, and that I see success. I am tired of failing. Madilynn isn't here with me and never will be other than in my heart, but I would like for her to be able to look down on me from Heaven and be proud of me. Lord knows how proud I am of her and always will be!!!

Tough Answers

One question that to this day I hate to answer? The "Do you have any kids?" question. I want to tell the world about Madilynn. I will always love her and be proud to be her mother, but choosing when to say "Yes, I have a daughter in heaven" and when to let it go and just say no, I don't have any kids? That's a tough one. My answer usually depends on how I'm feeling that day and who is asking. Will I be able to handle the inevitable "oh, I'm so sorry." responses? Or to those that I have known for a little while but didn't meet them until after I lost her there is always the, "I had no idea!" reaction. Sadly, sometimes it's easier to just say no, and move on. But every time I get asked that question, I always hesitate before I answer and I'm sure it doesn't go unnoticed. That question ranks right up there with the, "Well, are you going to try and have another baby?" question. Where I inevitably end up saying, well, we've been trying for 3 years and get another round of "I'm sorry's" and "Have you asked your doctor about it?" Yes, actually, that was the first thing we did. I wish things were different, but they are not. I will be getting these types of questions for the rest of my life......and I guarantee I will always hesitate when I get the do you have any kids question and I will always dislike giving the answer. It's either going to be an incredibly sad answer or a lie.

I have never been good at keeping up with journals. I guess this has been no different as it's been a while since I've made a post. The holidays have come and gone, another year has passed. On December 3, 2012 was Madilynn's 3rd heavenly birthday. I took off of work and stayed home, my husband did not. We were not able to make the 3 hour drive to visit her grave that day like we had planned, but we did the following weekend. For her birthday I felt like I wanted people involved. It's been 3 years and sometimes it seems as though I am the only one who remembers and misses Madilynn. Like she is mostly forgotten. That hurts my heart. So, I created an event on Facebook and asked friends and family to light a candle or release a balloon on her birthday and post the picture to my page so I could make a collage out of the photos and add them to her scrapbook. The response was overwhelming! I received more pictures than I ever could have hoped for! Enough that I will have enough to make multiple collages. I also put them into a powerpoint slideshow on my computer with a couple of songs that make me think of her. When I start missing her and feeling alone, I watch that and remember how many people thought about her that day. If any one reading this participated in this, I want to say thank you again. I will always treasure the photos and the kind words. I will put a couple of them on the bottom of this post. Lately I have tried not to focus so much on getting pregnant again as badly as I want to. I have shifted my focus to losing weight which I think will in turn help me get pregnant. Ever since I was a teenager I have struggled constantly with my weight. Then I got pregnant with Madilynn and I lost weight throughout my pregnancy due to major morning sickness that lasted 6-7 months. After I had her I actually weighed nearly 30 lbs less than when I got pregnant. But, the thing about suffering a major loss like the loss of a child and the inevitable bout of depression that follows, is I was mad at myself, mad at my body for my baby dying, and I didn't care about it. I didn't take care of myself. So a few months later I ended up heavier than I've ever been and I've been struggling to remedy that ever since. So, I have joined a gym and I'm trying to watch what I eat. Old habits are hard to break though so this has been quite a process. I get frustrated because I'll take off 3 lbs then put 2 lbs back on and it just keeps happening so I feel like I'm getting no where. So I have to keep thinking about why I'm doing this, to get myself healthy, to have a baby. Those are the biggest motivators for me and I'll keep trying. I signed up for a challenge at work with a goal of losing 25 lbs in the next 12 weeks and I'm going to try my hardest to reach that goal. If I can even get 3/4 of the way there I will be happy. So, since it's all kind of interconnected, I believe I will blog about this as well. Maybe it will help me. We shall see.....

Photos sent on Madilynn's 3rd heavenly birthday:

Why?

In the time since we lost Madilynn, we have never stopped trying to have another baby. It took us so long to get pregnant with her that we were afraid it would be the same way again, and we were right. It has been 2 1/2 years now and still nothing. About a year before I was pregnant with Madilynn Jeremiah got checked out and no issues there. Last year my hormones were tested, they were fine. Then I had an hsg which revealed one of my tubes was blocked. The test itself was enough to clear the blockage and we were so excited when my doctor said that there didn't appear to be any other problems and now that that tube was cleared our chances would be a lot better. She started me on clomid and we were so confident that it would work. 5 months went by and nothing, then my doctor said she would not prescribe any more Clomid for us and her next option was to send us to a fertility clinic in Kansas City. That's were medical intervention stopped because we simply can't afford to do that. So here we are, still not pregnant, and admittidly envious of those who are and who don't have the problems that we do getting that way. All this time and I still have trouble going by baby sections in the store. I see other kids that are about the same age Madilynn would have been and feel a pang of hurt and jealousy. I see young babies and long to have one of my own in my arms. There have been a few times that we started to get our hopes up that it had finally happened only to discover it hadn't. I am a Christian, but I will fully admit that sometimes I get angry at God when I think about this. Not only have we had to endure losing our baby, we are now enduring, for the second time, infertility. It's frustrating. I know from talking to others that this anger is normal, and it's ok. I'm not always angry at Him, but when I see other parents playing with their kids, pushing them in a stroller at the park, rocking them to sleep, I get angry that we don't have that. I feel selfish, but it's true. I get angry when I hear about and see parents not treating their kids right, hearing about people that don't want their kids yet keep having them one after another and neglecting them, and young teenagers who are careless and end up pregnant. Why does God keep giving them children, and not us? Then there are people who are trying to be a comfort but instead say things that are hurtful, though I know they don't mean to be. My "favorites" are "at least you know you can get pregnant" and the "this time next year you'll have a baby". Well, we don't know that we'll have a baby next year! And yeah, we've gotten pregnant, once, in 8 YEARS! That's not very good odds. Other than my support group this is really the first time I've vented these things in any sort of public forum. On the outside, how I appear to others, I put on a strong face. I have people ask me all the time how I stay so strong through this. The answer? I'm not. I am an expert at keeping things bottled inside me and just letting them brew. I'm good at putting on a smile while inside my heart is breaking. My tears fall when I'm alone and no one can see. I have been that way for as long as I remember, even as a kid. I keep things to myself. It's just natural for me to do that. In the meantime, I just keep praying for a miracle. Praying that God will forgive me for whatever wrong I've done to deserve this and bless us with the one thing we want more than anything in the world, our baby in our arms.

To Madilynn

I had a crazy week last week working overtime almost every day so didn't get to post. I want to share something I wrote before my first Mother's Day without Madilynn. It was a huge comfort to me to write it.

To Madilynn...
I remember the excitement I felt when I found out you were on the way. The pure joy and happiness of just knowing you were with me brought.

I remember driving home, putting my hand on my tummy and telling you I loved you and to hold on tight, I would keep you safe.

I remember when I told your daddy you were on the way and how the joy on his face mirrored my own.

I remember the excitement when I told your Nana about you, how she handed me the phone and insisted I call everyone we knew to share the good news.

I remember your great-grandfather's surprise and his excited "Oh Boy" when I called him.

I remember the first time we heard your steady, strong heartbeat. We could have listened forever.

I remember watching you on the ultrasound. Moving, kicking, and sucking your thumb. Your daddy and I were so very proud of you.

I remember how happy we were to find out you were a beautiful, healthy baby girl. We were so happy we went straight from the doctor to the store to buy you a pretty dress.

I remember having a dream about your name, it was perfect and your daddy liked it too, Madilynn Isabell.

I remember the first time I felt you kick, it was such a wonderful, comforting feeling knowing you were with me and thriving.

I remember the first time your daddy felt you kick, at your great-grandpa's house. In the house where your namesake great-grandma lived.

I remember laughing as we tried, multiple times, to put your crib together and how good it felt when we finally got it right.

I remember decorating your room, washing your clothes, making sure everything was perfect for your arrival.

I remember the fun of the baby shower, everyone getting so excited because we were getting so close to meeting you.

I remember everyone starting to make guesses about when you would come into the world.

I remember laughing when you got the hiccups and made my tummy jump.

I remember your daddy and I talking about all of the fun things we would do with you and how anxious we were to meet you.

I remember going to the doctor 3 days before you were born..........and the last time I heard your heartbeat, strong and healthy. We knew you were close.

I remember finishing your nursery the next day and packing a hospital bag for you and for me, I knew you were almost here.

I remember that evening, your stillness, the incredible fear I felt, praying that you were ok. It was 5 years today your great-grandma went to heaven.

I remember the ride to the hospital, trying to convince ourselves that nothing was wrong...

I remember the silence when they searched for your heartbeat, the stillness of the ultrasound, and when the ultrasound tech shook her head and said she was calling it.

I remember the whirlwind of the next 12 hours, the paperwork, the needles, the tears, the pain.

I remember hearing another baby's heart beating on a monitor in the room next to me and thinking how unfair life can be.

I remember the silence when you were born.

I remember how beautiful you were and seeing how much you looked like both your daddy and me. Our real life angel.

I remember holding you close, never wanting to let go, but knowing that I had to.

I remember watching your daddy hug you close, kiss your hand, and the tears in his eyes.

I remember not being able to take my eyes off of you, I had to look at you every second I possibly could while I could.

I remember your tiny white coffin, how I longed to just be able to hold you one more time.

I remember saying goodbye, but knowing this goodbye is only temporary. I know you are sitting on God's lap until I make it Home to you.

I remember that even though you are not in my arms, I am your mother and you are with me always.