Why?

In the time since we lost Madilynn, we have never stopped trying to have another baby. It took us so long to get pregnant with her that we were afraid it would be the same way again, and we were right. It has been 2 1/2 years now and still nothing. About a year before I was pregnant with Madilynn Jeremiah got checked out and no issues there. Last year my hormones were tested, they were fine. Then I had an hsg which revealed one of my tubes was blocked. The test itself was enough to clear the blockage and we were so excited when my doctor said that there didn't appear to be any other problems and now that that tube was cleared our chances would be a lot better. She started me on clomid and we were so confident that it would work. 5 months went by and nothing, then my doctor said she would not prescribe any more Clomid for us and her next option was to send us to a fertility clinic in Kansas City. That's were medical intervention stopped because we simply can't afford to do that. So here we are, still not pregnant, and admittidly envious of those who are and who don't have the problems that we do getting that way. All this time and I still have trouble going by baby sections in the store. I see other kids that are about the same age Madilynn would have been and feel a pang of hurt and jealousy. I see young babies and long to have one of my own in my arms. There have been a few times that we started to get our hopes up that it had finally happened only to discover it hadn't. I am a Christian, but I will fully admit that sometimes I get angry at God when I think about this. Not only have we had to endure losing our baby, we are now enduring, for the second time, infertility. It's frustrating. I know from talking to others that this anger is normal, and it's ok. I'm not always angry at Him, but when I see other parents playing with their kids, pushing them in a stroller at the park, rocking them to sleep, I get angry that we don't have that. I feel selfish, but it's true. I get angry when I hear about and see parents not treating their kids right, hearing about people that don't want their kids yet keep having them one after another and neglecting them, and young teenagers who are careless and end up pregnant. Why does God keep giving them children, and not us? Then there are people who are trying to be a comfort but instead say things that are hurtful, though I know they don't mean to be. My "favorites" are "at least you know you can get pregnant" and the "this time next year you'll have a baby". Well, we don't know that we'll have a baby next year! And yeah, we've gotten pregnant, once, in 8 YEARS! That's not very good odds. Other than my support group this is really the first time I've vented these things in any sort of public forum. On the outside, how I appear to others, I put on a strong face. I have people ask me all the time how I stay so strong through this. The answer? I'm not. I am an expert at keeping things bottled inside me and just letting them brew. I'm good at putting on a smile while inside my heart is breaking. My tears fall when I'm alone and no one can see. I have been that way for as long as I remember, even as a kid. I keep things to myself. It's just natural for me to do that. In the meantime, I just keep praying for a miracle. Praying that God will forgive me for whatever wrong I've done to deserve this and bless us with the one thing we want more than anything in the world, our baby in our arms.