Today, for the first time since February I got to visit Madilynn's grave. I don't like that she's so far away, but she is buried near family which is some consolation. I would love to visit her more often but it's just too far. Whenever I go I find it hard to leave. And I also find myself straighting around the grave, organizing decorations, trimming the grass around her stone with scissors. I think it boils down to that being the only thing on this earth I can still do for her. Keep her resting place cleaned up. Once when we went last year we met a woman who's husband is buried just up the hill. She said she visited the cemetery daily, the loss of her husband had been sudden and recent, and had wondered about the baby's graves next to each other and if they were related. They are, Madilynn and her cousin Kaylee Jo who was stillborn 2 years before her. We told her the stories of both babies. Told her we lived in Springfield and couldn't come as often as we liked. She asked if it was ok with us if she helped keep an eye on Madilynn's garden and maybe leave something for her sometime. She said she didn't like calling them graves, she felt they were the gardens of our loved ones. I loved that. Knowing there was someone right there looking out for her. Even if it was a complete stranger. I didn't know what to expect when we arrived today but when we got there, I was overcome with peace and love. Not only was her site well kept, but there were numerous flowers and mementos left for her. I know the things left were from various family members. We visited my aunt after we left the cemetery and she told us who left things. Despite the fact that Madilynn was gone before she was born, hasn't stopped people from loving her and missing her terribly. That brought me such comfort. I wish sometime I could go alone and just sit there and talk to my daughter. I had planned on doing that in February, the one and only time I have been there alone, but it didn't work out. Whenever we go I have trouble leaving. Not that I want to spend my whole day in a cemetery, I just want to be with my daughter and even though I know she is in heaven, her "garden" is her physical place for me to be with her. I always hate leaving there because I feel like I'm leaving her behind. It just feels so wrong. I don't know why God dealt me this hand, but I know He had his reasons and I have come to accept that, not that I like it. I still get angry with God when I think about it and how unfair it is that there are so many people out there that don't want their babies, who abuse them and don't take care of them, yet they have baby after baby after baby. While I wanted my baby more than anything in this world, still do, but she was taken from me. Now we are struggling with unexplained infertility and it kills me wondering if Madilynn was our only chance at a child. I will be 30 in a month and have no living children. This is a very depressing thought for me. I thought I would have at least a couple of little ones running around by now, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be. Below is a picture I took just today of Madilynn's Garden.
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