4 years already?!

Today marks Madilynn's 4th heavenly birthday. I have felt the anticipation and sadness I have felt every year at this time. We did not do a big thing this year like we did last year and at first I was perfectly fine and at peace with that but today, I feel guilty for not being able to do more for her. I stayed home from work today, and that will be something I always do. This is my day to reflect on my short time with Madilynn. Last weekend Jeremiah and I went and cleaned up her grave and left her some Christmas/Birthday decorations. It looked just perfect. I don't think I will ever feel like I do enough to honor her memory. I have such a great support system of friends and family that help me get through these times, though sadly sometimes, the people that you think would be there for you, are not. For example, my mom sent me a text today that basically said it is sad what happened but that I need to move on. How does one move on from losing a child? We don't. I know she just doesn't understand having never been through this before, and it's hard finding the right words to say, but having Madilynn's grandmother, my mother, say I need to move on, hurts. She wouldn't even go with us when we went to the cemetery after we visited my grandpa for Thanksgiving just 30 minutes away from the cemetery. I tried to get her to join us, she just wouldn't, though she did send a decoration for us to put at her grave. I love my mother and I know she is just focused on looking out for me and doesn't like to see me hurting. I will never "move on" from this though. This is my new normal in life. To always pine for, love, miss and wonder about my sweet little daughter in heaven. I think next year for her 5th birthday we will invite friends and family to join us at the cemetery to celebrate her short life. While there are many painful memories and I always have flashbacks on her birthday of going through labor and her silent birth, I can look back at memories of my pregnancy with her and smile or even laugh. While we never saw her alive, she already had such a personality and brought such joy to us. My job at the time I was pregnant involved pretty much non-stop typing. She was always very active and kicking whenever I was typing, I'm guessing she could hear the sound of the keyboard. She was constantly kicking my keyboard at work, and my laptop at home, right out from under my hands. I remember once having to launch from my chair and grab the laptop from falling to the floor because she kicked at it so hard. We had a cat named Rufus who liked to lay on my tummy and purr. Whenever he did that she would kick and scare him. He would jump and run off like he was terrified, then come back and try again. I remember holding my little goddaughter, who was only about 1 year old at the time, and how she would put her hand on my tummy like she knew there was a baby there. I will never forget these things as long as I live. Happy 4th Birthday my Madilynn! I love you and miss you so! We will be re-united some day.