Tough Answers

One question that to this day I hate to answer? The "Do you have any kids?" question. I want to tell the world about Madilynn. I will always love her and be proud to be her mother, but choosing when to say "Yes, I have a daughter in heaven" and when to let it go and just say no, I don't have any kids? That's a tough one. My answer usually depends on how I'm feeling that day and who is asking. Will I be able to handle the inevitable "oh, I'm so sorry." responses? Or to those that I have known for a little while but didn't meet them until after I lost her there is always the, "I had no idea!" reaction. Sadly, sometimes it's easier to just say no, and move on. But every time I get asked that question, I always hesitate before I answer and I'm sure it doesn't go unnoticed. That question ranks right up there with the, "Well, are you going to try and have another baby?" question. Where I inevitably end up saying, well, we've been trying for 3 years and get another round of "I'm sorry's" and "Have you asked your doctor about it?" Yes, actually, that was the first thing we did. I wish things were different, but they are not. I will be getting these types of questions for the rest of my life......and I guarantee I will always hesitate when I get the do you have any kids question and I will always dislike giving the answer. It's either going to be an incredibly sad answer or a lie.

I have never been good at keeping up with journals. I guess this has been no different as it's been a while since I've made a post. The holidays have come and gone, another year has passed. On December 3, 2012 was Madilynn's 3rd heavenly birthday. I took off of work and stayed home, my husband did not. We were not able to make the 3 hour drive to visit her grave that day like we had planned, but we did the following weekend. For her birthday I felt like I wanted people involved. It's been 3 years and sometimes it seems as though I am the only one who remembers and misses Madilynn. Like she is mostly forgotten. That hurts my heart. So, I created an event on Facebook and asked friends and family to light a candle or release a balloon on her birthday and post the picture to my page so I could make a collage out of the photos and add them to her scrapbook. The response was overwhelming! I received more pictures than I ever could have hoped for! Enough that I will have enough to make multiple collages. I also put them into a powerpoint slideshow on my computer with a couple of songs that make me think of her. When I start missing her and feeling alone, I watch that and remember how many people thought about her that day. If any one reading this participated in this, I want to say thank you again. I will always treasure the photos and the kind words. I will put a couple of them on the bottom of this post. Lately I have tried not to focus so much on getting pregnant again as badly as I want to. I have shifted my focus to losing weight which I think will in turn help me get pregnant. Ever since I was a teenager I have struggled constantly with my weight. Then I got pregnant with Madilynn and I lost weight throughout my pregnancy due to major morning sickness that lasted 6-7 months. After I had her I actually weighed nearly 30 lbs less than when I got pregnant. But, the thing about suffering a major loss like the loss of a child and the inevitable bout of depression that follows, is I was mad at myself, mad at my body for my baby dying, and I didn't care about it. I didn't take care of myself. So a few months later I ended up heavier than I've ever been and I've been struggling to remedy that ever since. So, I have joined a gym and I'm trying to watch what I eat. Old habits are hard to break though so this has been quite a process. I get frustrated because I'll take off 3 lbs then put 2 lbs back on and it just keeps happening so I feel like I'm getting no where. So I have to keep thinking about why I'm doing this, to get myself healthy, to have a baby. Those are the biggest motivators for me and I'll keep trying. I signed up for a challenge at work with a goal of losing 25 lbs in the next 12 weeks and I'm going to try my hardest to reach that goal. If I can even get 3/4 of the way there I will be happy. So, since it's all kind of interconnected, I believe I will blog about this as well. Maybe it will help me. We shall see.....

Photos sent on Madilynn's 3rd heavenly birthday: