An answer, though not an easy one...

I went back to my obgyn last week, along with going to a new primary physician the week before. I have been working my butt off to lose weight and nothing is happening. One week I might lose 2-3 lbs, the next I'll have gained them back. It is getting extremely frustrating and I was starting to get discouraged. The primary doctor thought it could be my thyroid and ran a bunch of tests, all which came back completely normal although I do have kind of high blood pressure. A week later when I went to my obgyn my bp was some better. She said I likely have PCOS, which is probably why I gained so much weight and why it's SO hard to take off. Not to mention it would explain why I can't get pregnant again. The only real "cure" for it is losing weight. She suggested weight loss surgery and wants me to at least go to a consultation for it. That is a huge decision to try and make... I have been so determined to do this on my own without surgery and that was like a punch to the stomach. On top of that, I'm sure it's ridiculously expensive and I doubt my insurance would cover a dime of it. I go back to the primary doctor on the 22nd, I'm going to discuss this with her as well and see if maybe we can try a prescription of some sort first or maybe I will try Alli again. I used it years ago and it worked all right as long as you watch what you eat, which I am doing anyways in addition to going to the gym 2-3 times a week. My goal over the next month is to increase gym time to 5 days a week. So, at least now I have some sort of answer, but it's certainly not going to be an easy fix and I still have a long, difficult road ahead of me. I feel like I'm running out of time since I just turned 31. I always thought I'd have all the kids I would have by this age, I pray now that isn't how it turns out. As easy at is would be to just say screw it and give up, I WILL NOT give up!!! I have to keep trying to reach my goals and find my happiness! I feel like a part of my heart is missing and it's with Madilynn and the babies I long to hold in my arms someday. I will never get the part back that Madilynn has, but having a baby or babies in my arms would certainly go a long ways towards healing and happiness. I see laughing children playing, with innocent joy on their faces, and it makes me realize just how much I am missing out on and it seems so unfair. People around me are pregnant and having babies and no matter how hard I try to stifle it, I can't get over the jealousy. I get angry at God and struggle because I don't understand why He took my innocent baby girl away from me and why after nearly 4 years my arms are STILL empty and my heart is still broken. I know He has his reasons and I have not lost faith in him. I will keep fighting this battle for as long as it takes.