How Bad Do I Want It?

As much as I desire to get pregnant again right now, I have finally come to the complete and total realization that before that is going to happen, I have to lose weight and get healthier. Not just for the sake of my own health but for any future babies I may have. Don't get me wrong, I have known this in the back of my head for awhile and I have been trying though not nearly as hard as I should, but I now realize just how important it is. So, I am changing my diet even more drastically than what I have up to now and am going to see about upgrading my gym membership so I can attend Zumba classes 2-3 times a week. I am ready for this extra weight to be gone. I want the skinny girl to emerge out of the fat girl that I am now. I want to be active and enjoy my life while I'm still young enough to do so. I want to have babies, I wouldn't mind several. I want to ride a roller coaster again. I want to not be embarassed of how I look in a swimsuit when we go to the lake during the summer. I want to ride horses again. I want to not get out of breath climing steps. I want a better life!!! I realize that it's not going to happen over night and it won't be easy. Not by a long shot. I have to MAKE it happen. I spoke with one of my aunts today who is also on a weight loss journey and she said something that kind of made a light bulb go off in my head. Maybe I haven't gotten pregnant again since Madilynn because God is testing me with losing weight to show how badly I want it. To prove that I want a baby so badly I would change my life for the better. I want that to happen, need it to happen, and I am determined now more than ever. To that aunt if you are reading this, you know who you are and I love you and thank you so much for calling me today! I just got home from going to the grocery store and did something I've always been told is the best way to shop but I never really did it. I only stuck to the outside perimeter of the store, the fruits, vegetables, dairy, fresh meat, etc. I am even trying some new things like Greek yougurt and almond milk. I will be praying hard during this chapter of my life that I keep this fire, this motivation to succeed, and that I see success. I am tired of failing. Madilynn isn't here with me and never will be other than in my heart, but I would like for her to be able to look down on me from Heaven and be proud of me. Lord knows how proud I am of her and always will be!!!