How Bad Do I Want It?

As much as I desire to get pregnant again right now, I have finally come to the complete and total realization that before that is going to happen, I have to lose weight and get healthier. Not just for the sake of my own health but for any future babies I may have. Don't get me wrong, I have known this in the back of my head for awhile and I have been trying though not nearly as hard as I should, but I now realize just how important it is. So, I am changing my diet even more drastically than what I have up to now and am going to see about upgrading my gym membership so I can attend Zumba classes 2-3 times a week. I am ready for this extra weight to be gone. I want the skinny girl to emerge out of the fat girl that I am now. I want to be active and enjoy my life while I'm still young enough to do so. I want to have babies, I wouldn't mind several. I want to ride a roller coaster again. I want to not be embarassed of how I look in a swimsuit when we go to the lake during the summer. I want to ride horses again. I want to not get out of breath climing steps. I want a better life!!! I realize that it's not going to happen over night and it won't be easy. Not by a long shot. I have to MAKE it happen. I spoke with one of my aunts today who is also on a weight loss journey and she said something that kind of made a light bulb go off in my head. Maybe I haven't gotten pregnant again since Madilynn because God is testing me with losing weight to show how badly I want it. To prove that I want a baby so badly I would change my life for the better. I want that to happen, need it to happen, and I am determined now more than ever. To that aunt if you are reading this, you know who you are and I love you and thank you so much for calling me today! I just got home from going to the grocery store and did something I've always been told is the best way to shop but I never really did it. I only stuck to the outside perimeter of the store, the fruits, vegetables, dairy, fresh meat, etc. I am even trying some new things like Greek yougurt and almond milk. I will be praying hard during this chapter of my life that I keep this fire, this motivation to succeed, and that I see success. I am tired of failing. Madilynn isn't here with me and never will be other than in my heart, but I would like for her to be able to look down on me from Heaven and be proud of me. Lord knows how proud I am of her and always will be!!!

Tough Answers

One question that to this day I hate to answer? The "Do you have any kids?" question. I want to tell the world about Madilynn. I will always love her and be proud to be her mother, but choosing when to say "Yes, I have a daughter in heaven" and when to let it go and just say no, I don't have any kids? That's a tough one. My answer usually depends on how I'm feeling that day and who is asking. Will I be able to handle the inevitable "oh, I'm so sorry." responses? Or to those that I have known for a little while but didn't meet them until after I lost her there is always the, "I had no idea!" reaction. Sadly, sometimes it's easier to just say no, and move on. But every time I get asked that question, I always hesitate before I answer and I'm sure it doesn't go unnoticed. That question ranks right up there with the, "Well, are you going to try and have another baby?" question. Where I inevitably end up saying, well, we've been trying for 3 years and get another round of "I'm sorry's" and "Have you asked your doctor about it?" Yes, actually, that was the first thing we did. I wish things were different, but they are not. I will be getting these types of questions for the rest of my life......and I guarantee I will always hesitate when I get the do you have any kids question and I will always dislike giving the answer. It's either going to be an incredibly sad answer or a lie.

I have never been good at keeping up with journals. I guess this has been no different as it's been a while since I've made a post. The holidays have come and gone, another year has passed. On December 3, 2012 was Madilynn's 3rd heavenly birthday. I took off of work and stayed home, my husband did not. We were not able to make the 3 hour drive to visit her grave that day like we had planned, but we did the following weekend. For her birthday I felt like I wanted people involved. It's been 3 years and sometimes it seems as though I am the only one who remembers and misses Madilynn. Like she is mostly forgotten. That hurts my heart. So, I created an event on Facebook and asked friends and family to light a candle or release a balloon on her birthday and post the picture to my page so I could make a collage out of the photos and add them to her scrapbook. The response was overwhelming! I received more pictures than I ever could have hoped for! Enough that I will have enough to make multiple collages. I also put them into a powerpoint slideshow on my computer with a couple of songs that make me think of her. When I start missing her and feeling alone, I watch that and remember how many people thought about her that day. If any one reading this participated in this, I want to say thank you again. I will always treasure the photos and the kind words. I will put a couple of them on the bottom of this post. Lately I have tried not to focus so much on getting pregnant again as badly as I want to. I have shifted my focus to losing weight which I think will in turn help me get pregnant. Ever since I was a teenager I have struggled constantly with my weight. Then I got pregnant with Madilynn and I lost weight throughout my pregnancy due to major morning sickness that lasted 6-7 months. After I had her I actually weighed nearly 30 lbs less than when I got pregnant. But, the thing about suffering a major loss like the loss of a child and the inevitable bout of depression that follows, is I was mad at myself, mad at my body for my baby dying, and I didn't care about it. I didn't take care of myself. So a few months later I ended up heavier than I've ever been and I've been struggling to remedy that ever since. So, I have joined a gym and I'm trying to watch what I eat. Old habits are hard to break though so this has been quite a process. I get frustrated because I'll take off 3 lbs then put 2 lbs back on and it just keeps happening so I feel like I'm getting no where. So I have to keep thinking about why I'm doing this, to get myself healthy, to have a baby. Those are the biggest motivators for me and I'll keep trying. I signed up for a challenge at work with a goal of losing 25 lbs in the next 12 weeks and I'm going to try my hardest to reach that goal. If I can even get 3/4 of the way there I will be happy. So, since it's all kind of interconnected, I believe I will blog about this as well. Maybe it will help me. We shall see.....

Photos sent on Madilynn's 3rd heavenly birthday:

Why?

In the time since we lost Madilynn, we have never stopped trying to have another baby. It took us so long to get pregnant with her that we were afraid it would be the same way again, and we were right. It has been 2 1/2 years now and still nothing. About a year before I was pregnant with Madilynn Jeremiah got checked out and no issues there. Last year my hormones were tested, they were fine. Then I had an hsg which revealed one of my tubes was blocked. The test itself was enough to clear the blockage and we were so excited when my doctor said that there didn't appear to be any other problems and now that that tube was cleared our chances would be a lot better. She started me on clomid and we were so confident that it would work. 5 months went by and nothing, then my doctor said she would not prescribe any more Clomid for us and her next option was to send us to a fertility clinic in Kansas City. That's were medical intervention stopped because we simply can't afford to do that. So here we are, still not pregnant, and admittidly envious of those who are and who don't have the problems that we do getting that way. All this time and I still have trouble going by baby sections in the store. I see other kids that are about the same age Madilynn would have been and feel a pang of hurt and jealousy. I see young babies and long to have one of my own in my arms. There have been a few times that we started to get our hopes up that it had finally happened only to discover it hadn't. I am a Christian, but I will fully admit that sometimes I get angry at God when I think about this. Not only have we had to endure losing our baby, we are now enduring, for the second time, infertility. It's frustrating. I know from talking to others that this anger is normal, and it's ok. I'm not always angry at Him, but when I see other parents playing with their kids, pushing them in a stroller at the park, rocking them to sleep, I get angry that we don't have that. I feel selfish, but it's true. I get angry when I hear about and see parents not treating their kids right, hearing about people that don't want their kids yet keep having them one after another and neglecting them, and young teenagers who are careless and end up pregnant. Why does God keep giving them children, and not us? Then there are people who are trying to be a comfort but instead say things that are hurtful, though I know they don't mean to be. My "favorites" are "at least you know you can get pregnant" and the "this time next year you'll have a baby". Well, we don't know that we'll have a baby next year! And yeah, we've gotten pregnant, once, in 8 YEARS! That's not very good odds. Other than my support group this is really the first time I've vented these things in any sort of public forum. On the outside, how I appear to others, I put on a strong face. I have people ask me all the time how I stay so strong through this. The answer? I'm not. I am an expert at keeping things bottled inside me and just letting them brew. I'm good at putting on a smile while inside my heart is breaking. My tears fall when I'm alone and no one can see. I have been that way for as long as I remember, even as a kid. I keep things to myself. It's just natural for me to do that. In the meantime, I just keep praying for a miracle. Praying that God will forgive me for whatever wrong I've done to deserve this and bless us with the one thing we want more than anything in the world, our baby in our arms.

To Madilynn

I had a crazy week last week working overtime almost every day so didn't get to post. I want to share something I wrote before my first Mother's Day without Madilynn. It was a huge comfort to me to write it.

To Madilynn...
I remember the excitement I felt when I found out you were on the way. The pure joy and happiness of just knowing you were with me brought.

I remember driving home, putting my hand on my tummy and telling you I loved you and to hold on tight, I would keep you safe.

I remember when I told your daddy you were on the way and how the joy on his face mirrored my own.

I remember the excitement when I told your Nana about you, how she handed me the phone and insisted I call everyone we knew to share the good news.

I remember your great-grandfather's surprise and his excited "Oh Boy" when I called him.

I remember the first time we heard your steady, strong heartbeat. We could have listened forever.

I remember watching you on the ultrasound. Moving, kicking, and sucking your thumb. Your daddy and I were so very proud of you.

I remember how happy we were to find out you were a beautiful, healthy baby girl. We were so happy we went straight from the doctor to the store to buy you a pretty dress.

I remember having a dream about your name, it was perfect and your daddy liked it too, Madilynn Isabell.

I remember the first time I felt you kick, it was such a wonderful, comforting feeling knowing you were with me and thriving.

I remember the first time your daddy felt you kick, at your great-grandpa's house. In the house where your namesake great-grandma lived.

I remember laughing as we tried, multiple times, to put your crib together and how good it felt when we finally got it right.

I remember decorating your room, washing your clothes, making sure everything was perfect for your arrival.

I remember the fun of the baby shower, everyone getting so excited because we were getting so close to meeting you.

I remember everyone starting to make guesses about when you would come into the world.

I remember laughing when you got the hiccups and made my tummy jump.

I remember your daddy and I talking about all of the fun things we would do with you and how anxious we were to meet you.

I remember going to the doctor 3 days before you were born..........and the last time I heard your heartbeat, strong and healthy. We knew you were close.

I remember finishing your nursery the next day and packing a hospital bag for you and for me, I knew you were almost here.

I remember that evening, your stillness, the incredible fear I felt, praying that you were ok. It was 5 years today your great-grandma went to heaven.

I remember the ride to the hospital, trying to convince ourselves that nothing was wrong...

I remember the silence when they searched for your heartbeat, the stillness of the ultrasound, and when the ultrasound tech shook her head and said she was calling it.

I remember the whirlwind of the next 12 hours, the paperwork, the needles, the tears, the pain.

I remember hearing another baby's heart beating on a monitor in the room next to me and thinking how unfair life can be.

I remember the silence when you were born.

I remember how beautiful you were and seeing how much you looked like both your daddy and me. Our real life angel.

I remember holding you close, never wanting to let go, but knowing that I had to.

I remember watching your daddy hug you close, kiss your hand, and the tears in his eyes.

I remember not being able to take my eyes off of you, I had to look at you every second I possibly could while I could.

I remember your tiny white coffin, how I longed to just be able to hold you one more time.

I remember saying goodbye, but knowing this goodbye is only temporary. I know you are sitting on God's lap until I make it Home to you.

I remember that even though you are not in my arms, I am your mother and you are with me always.

Madilynn's Garden

Today, for the first time since February I got to visit Madilynn's grave. I don't like that she's so far away, but she is buried near family which is some consolation. I would love to visit her more often but it's just too far. Whenever I go I find it hard to leave. And I also find myself straighting around the grave, organizing decorations, trimming the grass around her stone with scissors. I think it boils down to that being the only thing on this earth I can still do for her. Keep her resting place cleaned up. Once when we went last year we met a woman who's husband is buried just up the hill. She said she visited the cemetery daily, the loss of her husband had been sudden and recent, and had wondered about the baby's graves next to each other and if they were related. They are, Madilynn and her cousin Kaylee Jo who was stillborn 2 years before her. We told her the stories of both babies. Told her we lived in Springfield and couldn't come as often as we liked. She asked if it was ok with us if she helped keep an eye on Madilynn's garden and maybe leave something for her sometime. She said she didn't like calling them graves, she felt they were the gardens of our loved ones. I loved that. Knowing there was someone right there looking out for her. Even if it was a complete stranger. I didn't know what to expect when we arrived today but when we got there, I was overcome with peace and love. Not only was her site well kept, but there were numerous flowers and mementos left for her. I know the things left were from various family members. We visited my aunt after we left the cemetery and she told us who left things. Despite the fact that Madilynn was gone before she was born, hasn't stopped people from loving her and missing her terribly. That brought me such comfort. I wish sometime I could go alone and just sit there and talk to my daughter. I had planned on doing that in February, the one and only time I have been there alone, but it didn't work out. Whenever we go I have trouble leaving. Not that I want to spend my whole day in a cemetery, I just want to be with my daughter and even though I know she is in heaven, her "garden" is her physical place for me to be with her. I always hate leaving there because I feel like I'm leaving her behind. It just feels so wrong. I don't know why God dealt me this hand, but I know He had his reasons and I have come to accept that, not that I like it. I still get angry with God when I think about it and how unfair it is that there are so many people out there that don't want their babies, who abuse them and don't take care of them, yet they have baby after baby after baby. While I wanted my baby more than anything in this world, still do, but she was taken from me. Now we are struggling with unexplained infertility and it kills me wondering if Madilynn was our only chance at a child. I will be 30 in a month and have no living children. This is a very depressing thought for me. I thought I would have at least a couple of little ones running around by now, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be. Below is a picture I took just today of Madilynn's Garden.

My Story Part 2

December 3, 2009. A day my life changed forever. A day that will forever haunt me. I still remember it like it just happened. After giving birth that morning we held onto our precious angel for as long as we possibly could. Having to let her go was horrible. I was eventually moved to a floor far away from the normal maternity floor. I attempted to eat. I was in a fog and running on autopilot. In shock from the nightmare my life had just become, angry that it happened in the first place, foggy from the stadol, and it was almost 2 days before I was fully able to feel my legs again thanks to hitting that epidural button so many times during labor. I was on anti depressants and sleep aids. That night in the hospital Jeremiah laid down on a couch in my room and got some sleep. Luckily we were given a private room. I knew I needed sleep but even with the sleep aid it just wouldn't come. I just kept replaying everything that happened in my mind and trying to figure out if it was actually real or was I dreaming? At one point in the night I couldn't hold in anymore and started bawling. I am not much of a cryer, but I couldn't stop the gut wrenching sobs, and I didn't want to. I just didn't care anymore. My crying woke Jeremiah up and he came and crawled into the hospital bed with me and just held me. I was finally able to doze off and he stayed there with me the rest of the night. The next day around lunch time I was released to go home. We made the drive back home. Mostly in silence. My mom and her partner, Mary, along with Jeremiah's parents were at our house waiting for us. I felt so helpless. So useless. Like I had failed my baby. I was numb and just wanted the nightmare to be over. The closer we got to home I felt what little grip I had on my control fading. We opened the door to walk into the house and I nearly collapsed with the grief. Just completely lost it. Luckily my father-in-law happened to be standing near the doorway and he grabbed me and just held on and let me cry it out. Opening that door, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was home from the hospital after giving birth, but my baby wasn't with me. What was supposed to have been an incredibly happy time, bringing our new baby home, was everything but. I was home, my baby was in a funeral home. That was not how things were supposed to be! Everyone always says it's horrible when a child goes before the parent and boy are they right. My child never even had the chance to take a breath. Let out a cry. Open her eyes and see her family. Something that also bothered me and still does? I don't even know what color my daughters eyes are. I will never hear her voice, her laugh. Will never see her play or watch her dream.  Nothing. My sweet baby girl is gone. All we have left of her are some photos and momentos the nurses managed to get together for us. A lock of hair, a pair of pants she wore in some of her photos, her headband, the blanket she was wrapped in, handprints and foot prints. The tape measure they used to measure her. She was 7 lbs, 7 oz and 21 inches long. The nurses were so amazing to us. They made a little beaded bracelet for her with her name on the beads and put it on her for some of the pictures and sent the bracelet with us along with a small heart pillow and a flower that they also put in the pictures. All of the photos were taken by the nurses because they couldn't get in touch with the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer. They printed copies of the pictures and gave to us and put them on a cd for us as well. I don't know what we would have done without them. I was so out of it I wouldn't have thought of doing any of that stuff. The nurses cried with us. Ones that worked the overnight shift while I was in labor came back after she was born, on their own time, to see us and her. They all wanted to hold her and told us how perfect she was. My amazing doctor I talked about in my last post, well, she was off on her vacation the day I was released but sent another doctor from her practice to check on me before I was discharged. She said my doctor, Dr. Graves, had told her to check on me and then call her and let her know how I was. The day after I was released after we went to the funeral home and made all of the arrangements we bought a card and dropped off at the hospital for the nurses that had been there for us and and saw us through it all. December 3 was a Thursday, that Monday we had her funeral. My grandmother had bought extra plots near my paternal grandfather's grave and gave us a plot for Madilynn. Right next to my cousin's baby who had also been stillborn a couple of years before. The cemetery is about a 3 hour drive from where we live. We opted to make the drive alone instead of riding with family members. We needed the time alone. We had a simple graveside service officiated by a pastor I had known since I was in kindergarten. After he concluded my aunt started to sing Amazing Grace and all that were present joined in. Throughout the service Jeremiah and I just started at the tiny casket and cried. Another thing that will always stick in my mind from that service, my grandfather, who is in his 80's was sitting behind us. I could hear him crying. I had only seen him cry one other time and that was when my grandmother passed. He has always been such a strong man. He was a soldier, a horseman, a hunter. It killed me that he was taking this so rough as well. After the service the pastor's church held a lunch for us in the basement. We all visited and everyone wanted to see the photos of our angel. My mom had taken the cd and gotten multiples of all of the pictures for us just in case something should happen to any of them. We keep them along with the cd and mementos in a firesafe. My mom has duplicates of the photos and cd in her safe so just in case something should happen we have backups. I used another set of the pictures and started a scrapbook. Whenever I started to get down in the dumps I would lock myself away and work on it. I have pregnancy pictures in there, every little thing I could think of to document that it all actually happened. I finished the scrapbook on my first Mother's Day. I was having a horribly rough time that day and worked on it basically the entire day. I felt a rush of relief when I finished it. Like then I could begin to heal because everything was documented. I look at that scrapbook frequently. I have photos of her headstone I need to add to it, then it will be truely complete. I also wrote a poem that Mother's Day. Also of rememberance. I will share it in another post in a couple of days. For now, it's time for another nights sleep, tomorrow we will be celebrating my grandfather's 89th birthday. Sunday we are taking him home and since he lives closeby it, we are going to the cemetery to visit Madilynn's grave.